Welcome to April and this Ki Moment.
I love spring. It teaches us about expansion, opening, and
living in the moment. In his March Centering Hint, Tom Crum offers this Zen poem:
Spring comes
and the grass
grows by itself
Feel your breath as you inhale slowly. Feel it flow into
your lungs, expanding your chest, relaxing your shoulders, and upholding your
posture. Enjoy the exhale as it takes with it any residual effort, all worries,
need and fear. We are not in control. The
grass grows by itself. And we are loved and held. Every moment.
Good ki!
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To Agree or Not to Agree, Is that the Question? |
Pool locker room. Early morning. My buddy Janet and I in conversation.
Janet says, "... and isn't it great that the community might resume
ownership of the hospital again?" Our privately-owned local hospital
might become a community hospital again. Janet's question seemed to
call for agreement. But not being informed about the issue, I wasn't
sure I could agree. So I asked her, "Would that be a good thing, do you
think? I don't know enough to say one way or the other." Janet then
gave several reasons why she thought community ownership would be good
for patients, the community, and the region. I was impressed with her
understanding of the potential benefits.
When I got home, I was still pondering this Ki Moment.
The control of our nearby regional hospital is a hot topic. Though
Janet and I are friends, the conversation might have become a debate if
I'd had a strong, opposite opinion. But my interest lies not in the topic but in considering the possible responses to Janet's remark:I could have agreed, disagreed, or asked a question.
Agree or Disagree?
Why didn't I just agree? It would have been easier. I didn't
have a strong opinion. Plus, the way the remark was phrased indicated
that my agreement was taken for granted. This caused me to ponder, How often do I agree because it's expedient?
Even without all the facts, I do sometimes. The benefits are
numerous--my friend and I stay in synch; we avoid a lengthier and
perhaps more contentious conversation, and I move on agreeably to the
rest of my day. But what are the problems with just agreeing? I don't
learn anything; I lose the opportunity for deeper dialogue and
understanding of the situation and of my friend. And I leave an
impression of agreement where it doesn't exist.
Choosing the second possibility, I would have disagreed with Janet and
entered into a friendly debate about the benefits and disadvantages of
community vs. corporate ownership. But this could have led me to try to
win the argument instead of gain information and understanding.
Ask a Question
But in choosing the third approach: to ask a question, I exercised
openness and curiosity. I loved the spaciousness of being open to
whatever Janet had to say. I enjoyed not taking and defending a
position, not feeling trapped by Option 1 or Option 2. And
what I took away from the locker room that morning was this: I want to
remember to ask more open, honest, generative questions, whether I
agree or disagree with the speaker.
That morning with Janet also reminded me, when I do ask a question, I need to be sure it really is a question
not a statement in disguise. Instead of "... isn't it great that the
community might regain ownership...?" consider: "What do you think about
the hospital reverting back to community ownership?" Especially in more
sensitive situations, assumptions tend to close off dialogue and can be
disrespectful and even dangerous.
As I practice the art of conversation, I increasingly appreciate the
power of non-directive questions to open dialogue, diffuse thorny
issues, and teach us about each other. I find it better not to presume
to know what my conversation partner is thinking, feeling, or hoping.
I'd rather inquire in a way that allows her to reflect and answer
honestly, rather than feel she has to agree, hold back, or debate.
How we talk to each other is how we create our relationships, and our
workplaces, and our communities. Questions offered from a state of true
inquiry offer a rich and interesting place to start. What genuine question will you ask someone today?
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In my workshops, I use a centering bell to help participants practice. The sound of the bell is centering, plus it reminds us to do it.
So many people ask me where to find the bell that I created an mp3 file of the sound. You can download and listen to it anytime (no charge!). Just go to the top of the Products page on my Website (judyringer.com).
Take a moment now to listen and center yourself.
Download the centering bell sound here.
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Come learn, network, and enjoy yourself with other likeminded students.
The title of each workshop is a link to more information and registration:
- Managing Difficult Situations, Workshop with Judy Ringer (Portland, ME,
April 7)
- Creating a Positive Workplace, Workshop with Judy Ringer (Portsmouth, NH, April 15)
- Collaborative Healthcare: Open Heart Surgery for Ailing Workplaces, Workshop with Judy Ringer and Beth Boynton (Portsmouth, NH, April 22)
- Confident Voices: A Workshop for Nurses, Workshop with Judy Ringer and Beth Boynton (Portsmouth, NH, May 13)
- Leadership Presence: The Equine Experience, Workshop with Judy Ringer and Pam McPhee (Tuckaway Farm, Lee, NH, May 15)
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Judy Ringer
Power & Presence Training
76 Park Street
Portsmouth, NH 03801
voice: 603.431.8560
website: www.judyringer.com
Judy Ringer is Founder of Power & Presence Training, a Portsmouth, NH company specializing in unique workshops to help you and your organization manage conflict, communicate effectively, and co-create a more positive work environment.
E-mail Judy at judy@judyringer.com for a free initial meeting to discuss your training needs. Ki (from Ai-ki-do) is Japanese for life energy. Ki Moments is a complimentary monthly "e-zine" with tips and how-to articles to help you manage the key moments in your life.
If you enjoy our news and stories, feel free to share them with friends or colleagues. Use our "FORWARD" link below to pass it along with our thanks! |
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Apr. 15
"The conversation is not
about the relationship.
The conversation
is the relationship."
~ Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations
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